Still determined

I am in March 2004. That means exactly a year since the war began. 13,900 cards are written and 3 pens are consummed. It's absolutely not easy to finish this project but as of today, I am still determined.

Hmmmmm...

I have to admit that I'm not as into it as I thought I would be . Wait, did I talk about this already in my previous post.? Anyway, I am not sure if I'm too busy and my mind is too caught it with my work; I have no room in my brain and in my heart to think about the people who are so far away from me. I actually hope that it is the case. I do not want to think that I am heartless and numb. Am I? Maybe I need to invest more time into it in terms of doing research.

How much time should I give myself? I know I should not be doing it if I am not interested in it anymore. But I don't want to give up yet.

I think I need to read more on existentialism. That's my plan.

An hour does not seem to be long enough

I'm thinking that an hour is not long enough for me to feel what I wanted to feel when I decided to do this project. An hour just goes by too fast. I want my hand to hurt. I want my body to feel the pain. So, I'm thinking maybe I should find a day when I'm less busy and just write the cards for as long as I can stand it. It will have to be sometime next year then.

Meaning of the Unknown -- Day 12

As I was writing the unknows last night, my thought of human existence finally came to me. We all will die in one way or the other. People die on this planet every second; there is nothing special about it. But with these people, we're responsible for their deaths. That's way this project is still important, maybe. Will follow up on this thought.

Too soon to quit? -- Day 11

So, as I was writing them, I was thinking that it's time for me to quit as I really don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing now. Or maybe I should talk a break? But, is it too soon to quit?

Okay, I want to hang on to this thought. I'm hoping that we I'll get more out of this project when I get less busy later. Or perhaps I need to do it in the morning instead of doing it at night when I'm exhausted.

Countless of Unknowns

They really don't make any sense. I'm saying it with shame, guilt and sadness. So far on Day 8, I have writing around more than 1,700 of unknowns. They are the people who died but yet identified. So, the media did not know thier names, according to Iraq Body Count.

Maybe that's why Tony kept quoting Stalin's quote "A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic".

I am reading Michael Otterman's "Erasing Iraq" now. In the forward section, I found the following words by Harold Pinter really powerful when he commented on the War in his 2005 Nobel Prize acceptance speech:

"They are blank. They are not even being recorded as dead."

What Pinter said is haunting. But what even more haunting is that what he said is true.

Writing at home

Giving up 1 hour of sleep/work/play time to write the cards every day is really not easy. It takes planning to make sure that I do it before midnight. I have been doing it at around 10:30 pm to 11pm. Sometimes, I am actually a bit sleepy while doing the writing. They are not as meditative as I thought. Often, instead of thinking about these civilians and their lives, I would think about something. So, as I said in my previous post, I am still searching the meaning or the unmeaning of this project.

I am also thinking that perhaps 1 hour a day is not enough for me to feel the magnitude of the destruction. So, should I write for longer hours, say 8 hours or more a day? Or at least until my hand and my back hurt?